On age, auditions, and things that go AHHHHH
*Brief interlude while I cheer for Trot Nixon, Johnny Damon, and the Red Sox, who just tied the game with the Devil Rays at 6 apiece, after trailing at one point 5-0. You rawk my world, Sox!*
Today was a frustrating one in some respects, as I learned that "Autumn Premieres," the festival that my 30-minute play is part of, has been postponed til March (most likely). I totally understand why: there aren't enough cast members yet, there is no set designer or tech director, no real p.r. done yet, and no audition schedules in place, and the festival is supposed to begin in just over a month. Still, I already invited several friends who said they could make it on September 30th, and of course it was just so exciting to think about the play going up, and now I have to wait another six months. I'm not grousing, because it's probable that the festival will take place, with an additional play (not required but optimal) and lots more time to organize every little thing. However, I am understandably disappointed, and I was also excited at the prospect of being cast for "Toast," and now there will be many more people auditioning, which could significantly hurt my chances (and NO, it's not just about me, not even close, but it's a great play, I had a strong audition, and I'd love to get a chance to act in it). This disappointment also added to my desire (need, whatever) to get cast in one of the Slams this Fall, and if I don't, it will hurt like hell. It shouldn't be about the product as much as the process, but dammit, it's totally about the outcome for me, b/c it's not a lot of fun to audition (although, to be fair, the Arlington Players audition was quite enjoyable, but also unique, in that I was the only one auditioning that night!) and I don't really NEED the experience of reading sides anymore. I need the experience of ACTING IN PLAYS and it's been EIGHT MONTHS since I've been cast. Isn't it time?!
So I try not to care, and there are far more important things in life to be concerned or grateful about. My sister and her family in Florida are in the process of moving, and it's going very slowly (the closing was supposed to be today but because of Hurricane Katrina it's been delayed until who-the-heck-knows when, alas), putting a lot of stress on all of them (plus my nephew just started a new school, which he loves but it's traumatic when you're 4 1/2 to have so much change in so little time, and they are living in a double suite hotel space until their house is ready or the paperwork and house are). My other sister's husband had blood work done, and if God forbid it turns out badly, he will need surgery, though it's probably not cancerous (knock on wood). I had an eye doctor appointment yesterday, where it was discovered that my lenses have started clouding over, the beginning of cataracts (just the beginning, thankfully), and that did nothing but make me feel older. Fortunately, it should be several years til I need surgery--my mother had it in her late 40s, as did her sister, so it must be genetic--and my retinas are in good shape and both eyes are very healthy, so I'm grateful. There were so many old(er) people in the waiting room, and when the doctor said, "You're young, so you don't need to worry," I felt a lot better (compared to 70 and 80 year olds, I *am* young, b/c it's always relative). Still, with my first mammogram two weeks ago (also completely normal, praise God) and now this news of clouding, I'm not feeling as chipper as I might. Why didn't I feel old at 39 but feel impossibly old at 42 (as I did at 40 and then 41)? Of course, it's in my head--I don't LOOK old or ACT old--but I keep waiting for this to get easier, and it doesn't.
I'm the second oldest person in my department at work, as I have been for some time (not counting the VP for Student Affairs), and recently one of the advising counselors decided to put our "out" whiteboard in order of age. UGH. So painful to see my name at the bottom of the list, and know that the youngest is 23, and could be my daughter in theory (again, UGH). She sometimes says things like, "You look really good for 40" (never mind that I'm 42), and I want to scream, Can't I just look GOOD? Does it need to be framed by age? Of course, to a 23 year old, I'm 100 years old. Deep sigh. One of the women at the auditions tonight is 25 and is trying out for a theatre company who is looking to cast someone to play 30. She said, "Since I'm only 25, I may look too young." I wanted to slap her (not literally but still...I should be so lucky). Of course, I'm also too old for many parts and yet too young for others. Thank you, Monica Raymond, for writing roles for people in their 40s, because there aren't too many out there doing it (and if you're reading this, feel free to take the challenge).
I'm sure the fact that I'm not in therapy right now and am awaiting the outcome of my additionally requested sessions with the cognitive behavioral therapist is not helping. I see my new therapist again next Tuesday and hope that we can begin treatment and it isn't just another intake session. I feel certain that it will help, once it really gets underway (and I need to start reading the "Feeling Good Handbook" this weekend in preparation for next week). I resigned from book club, reluctantly but definitively, last week, realizing that I'm more than 10 years older than the next member (not counting the woman who rarely has time to come) and wanting to be with women and/or men closer to my age. I don't feel old at the gym, where I can work out hard (and have been), am increasing strength, flexibility, and endurance every week (or I think I am, thanks to yoga and the elliptical machine, along with floor work), and know my body is starting to look better as a result. My re-haircut last night also looks good, and I'm eating less, so these are all positive things I can be proud of. I am feeling stressed at work, but trying to keep it together. (I am beyond happy that tomorrow is the last day of registration and should be relatively mellow.) I'm not writing, but my latest 10-minute play will get a reading at the Write-On meeting in October, so I'm eager to see what the response is, and I really do want to try to write again soon. I'm also seeing a play with A. on Saturday (free, thanks to stagesource), and probably going to Club Passim for the folk campground festival (lots and lots of singer/songwriters for a $20 holiday weekend pass), along with working out and sitting by my parents' health club's pool on Sunday. So I do have a fun weekend ahead, where I can just chill out without spending too much money, and it can't hurt.
*The Red Sox win it, 7-6, thanks to a Trot Nixon single in the bottom of the 9th with two outs. YAY, TROT NIXON!!!*
But I need to get over this age issue (Does it ever get easier?!) and I need to not give a bloody damn about auditions and rejection, for both my acting AND writing. HOW DOES ONE DO THIS? You know how to reach me if you have any inventive suggestions. ;-)