Some updates...

Hi. You may have noticed I haven't posted for about 10 days (or maybe you didn't...). I've been mad busy and I finally have a few clear-headed minutes to write. It's been fairly tough for me over the past few weeks (actually, over the summer), or certainly a mixed bag. I won't go into all the details here, but suffice it to say that I haven't just been lounging on the beach all day. The biggest blow--or really, most difficult thing to contend with--was meeting with a financial advisor last Saturday. He was very nice (and cute to boot!), but after three painstaking hours, we discovered that I'm about $700 over my budget each month and that I'm in some pretty serious debt. It's not undoable to beat this thing, and I will, but it's going to take a long time and it's very discouraging. I work in the Back Bay in Boston, and there's nothing but stores (and sales at the moment) at every stop, and to not buy is going to take every ounce of strength.

Spending has always been a kind of salve for me, a way to relax when things seem too tough, or, as my (now former) therapist has said, a way to avoid sitting with uncomfortable feelings of anxiety and depression. Since I'm not bingeing on food anymore (tough as hell, but I'm slowly losing weight--not that I'm fat by any means, but I'm getting thinner and feeling better about myself), and don't smoke, drink, or do drugs, and don't have a boyfriend to help soothe the feelings, what the hell do I do?! Fortunately, I do have friends, of course, and there are always free things in Boston to take advantage of, or two-for-one (or very discounted) plays through Bostix and Stagesource (the arts organization), and I will continue to seek these out. Movies will primarily consist of those on TV (yes, I have cable and Sundance and IFC, so I rarely rent DVDs), and eating out will be infrequent at best. No more shopping, no more trips anywhere, except occasionally to see my sister and her kids in Florida, and keeping every receipt to see where the money goes will become a habit, not a choice.

In the meantime, N., the financial advisor (pro bono, thank GOD), suggested I move, but it's not gonna happen. I have lived alone for a very long time, and I need to. Roommates caused untold stress, as my studio nearby did that I lived in for 5 1/2 year (broken into twice, car stolen once, very loud neighbors), and this apartment I rent is clean, in a nice neighborhood, with considerate neighbors, and is comfortable, though not extravagant by any means. The location also allows me to take the subway to work without a problem, and safety is so important. Boston is ridiculously expensive, but my job, family, and friends are here, so what can I do? I'm consolidating debt wherever I can, have almost paid off my used Kia (November marks my last payment), and am just going to be careful and then more careful (happily, there are libraries, for one thing). I don't mean to sound whiny or narcissistic, but I've never lived a larger-than-life lifestyle, and yet I have found myself in this situation before. Now that I'm on a budget (and will meet with N. again in September), I will just toe the line and see how it goes. (Clearly, I won't be buying a new car anytime in the near or not-so-near future.)

I'm not a student, and it's killing me to have to live like one again (been there, done that), but the alternate is unacceptable. I chose to work in Education, rather than sales (which I could have done, had I pursued the publishing path), or IT, or finance, and as a result I will never make a lot of money, despite my master's degree. That is a pretty unfortunate reality, and even working two additional part-time jobs is not enough to put me in the black and may never be (and living sans significant other takes away any chance of financial stability). Additionally, with diagnosed health issues, I have to find other ways to relieve stress and anxiety (fortunately, I have the gym a block away, and it really does help). I can only hope that the new therapist, who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, will help me understand and find alternate ways to act on my thoughts and feelings (that's the point of CBT), and now I just need insurance to agree to cover additional sessions through the year (have I mentioned how much I despise managed health care? and I have a PPO through work!).

As far as the theatre world, there's little to report. I am still trying out for SlamBoston the end of the month, will read two parts at D.'s presentation of her abridged screenplay in two weeks, and am going to see my 30-minute play "Uncharted Territory" presented in late September/early October at the Arlington Center for the Arts (now THAT should be very cool). I have sent other plays and monologues out to some groups/festivals and am waiting to hear (no positive news on that front, just a few rejections in July and August), and need to work on my 10-minute play "Peanut Butter Sandwiches" or just bag it (no pun intended) and try another. I am still uncertain about whether to make additional changes to "Accept This!", but I will probably give it a go this weekend and see which version I prefer. (I'd rather move onto something new, but I suppose I owe this a final go-round.) It's been insanely busy at work, since Course Registration is in full practice this week (and leading up to it was not easy or fun), but for the most part I've been able to keep it together (Monday was the most hellish day I've experienced in at least five or six years at work, but we all survived and made it to day two, which was quite a bit easier). I'm not meant for 10-12 hour work days, but you do what you must, and knowing I'm helping students means a lot (and most appreciate it). I had hoped to relax last weekend, in preparation for this week, but after meeting with N., I was too depressed to do much but cry and worry. I did have a nice day on Sunday with my mom (it was her birthday Monday) and that helped.

Besides that, I just had to get through the weekend, but I'm gradually accepting my situation, and that's key (I guess I'm past the grieving and anger and certainly the denial, so I'm on my way). It's clear to me that there will be no festival trips (Good thing I don't do improv anymore! Oh, the money wasted while pursuing a craft I wasn't much good at...), no more $30 play tickets (not that there were many, b/c there weren't), no concert tickets (ditto). And I might add that this meeting with N. helped me to realize how much I do love my apartment, to appreciate what I have more than I had, and to realize that getting cast or having a play produced would be wonderful, but not the be-all, end-all. Perspective is key. Oh, and let me add that when you don't have expendable income, you are a lot more careful about what you spend on food, which isn't a bad thing for me! I have one more tough day at work, as we spend another 3 1/2 hours registering students (and many hours before getting them ready to do so)--tomorrow we do this during the day, so it won't be nearly as bad--and then we can breathe a sign of relief til we do it again two more times next week. I see summer beginning to slip away (it's been pretty chilly at night, which makes for comfortable sleeping, but also reminds you that Fall isn't that far removed) and it's tough to fathom or accept (considering that it didn't even start to get warm til the end of June this year!). I guess I'll just have to continue to spend as much time as I can outside, as I've tried to do. Sunday should be fun, as work has its annual company outing and then book club at 5pm nearby. I just need a more relaxing weekend!

So, I think I've caught everyone up on my doings and can head off to work now. Please put in some good thoughts regarding therapy (and hell, regarding another play getting accepted by someone, somewhere!) and I'll continue to take it one day at a time. I guess I'm lucky that I really love Wendy's chicken strip salads!