On risk and rejection, part fourteen
Yes, I haven't written for a while, and I apologize. It's not that I've been too tired or too busy, but rather that I simply had nothing interesting to impart. I'm still not sure I do, but since I had two auditions in two days, I thought I would return to this topic. The auditions were very different, and my feelings come out of them were, too, as I'll explain. I'm beginning to think that the only reason I actually audition is so I'll have something to write about and something to connect to other artists with! I know this isn't entirely true--I do enjoy acting--but knowing that I'm not as strong as many others, not as self-confident, surely, and not nearly nearly as experienced, I still put myself out there, and am not sure (still) that it's worth it. However, in doing so, I can get excited about the prospect of being in a play, can fantasize a bit about it, envision myself in a production (or in a role, if I know what it is ahead of time, which isn't often the case), and can talk about it with people at work or even at Starbucks, like Nessa, the barista who is also a musician.
Anyway, yesterday's audition was for the Devanaugh. I have had absolutely NO luck with this company, either with my acting or my writing, but it's a respected theatre, not too far from home, and I would love to have the opportunity to perform with them, so I keep trying (maybe I won't after this go-round if I don't even get a callback, but we'll see). All I got to do was a two-minute monologue--I chose "The Boyfriend" from "workin' progress"--but I left feeling good about the way I had performed it, and, interestingly, about my writing in general. The two female directors who saw me perform said, "Nice job. So you really wrote that?" when I'd finished. "Yes," I said. "And you performed it at ImprovBoston?" one asked. "Yes, and at the 'Where Eagles Dare' Theatre in NYC," I answered, and both nodded and seemed suitably impressed. Funny, as I wasn't trying for a writing role, but another indicator that I NEED to be writing and that's where my talents truly lie. There were several women at the audition, naturally, most of them in their 20s and thin and perky, through Lyralen, one of the producers of SLAMBoston, was auditioning (after me) as well. I didn't feel badly after the audition, though disappointed that I wasn't asked to read from a side (many didn't get to, as they had 30 people to get to), b/c I was flattered that they liked my writing and I knew I had NAILED my monologue (practice makes more perfect). It was also a simply wonderful day, weather-wise, and I had just finished my first 90 minute yoga class with Jess at the Central Square BSC, so I was feeling energetic and refresthed. Afterwards, I walked the 15 minute trek to the Boston Center for the Arts and saw "Duplex" with Susanna (a friend from ImprovBoston days), and then we sat outside and talked for a couple of hours, and it was really nice.
Contrast that with today. It started with the usual stressful drive to Waltham (not as bad as two Mondays ago, but bad enough), and then the news that Susan would be 10 minutes late due to an accident on 128 (so what's new)? We discussed difficult issues around my anger and inability to open up and cry and grieve in our sessions (which, truth be told, made me frustrated, not the best response). I rushed back to Boston to work, did find parking, and had to run to my car every 2 hours to put in more quarters (fortunately, I did not get a ticket, which rather surprised but certainly pleased me). I sat through two long, draining meetings, finally worked out at 5:30pm but only had 45 minutes on the elliptical (no treadmill or floor work, both of which I NEED), and then rushed off to Waltham (again!) for the Hovey Short Plays festival audition. I think, frankly, that I sucked tonight. I felt really off (tired, a bit headachey) and read two sides but don't think I read either particularly well. The first play in particular really grabbed me--about two women in their 30s with problem pasts re: their husbands and kids--and I read for that before I had had a chance to warm up (I definitely felt nervous). I read alright, not great, and I'm sure part of that was b/c I REALLY would have liked to have been cast in it (I could FEEL the rightness). The second reading was worse, but it's a part many of the women there could have played, so I didn't feel as badly about doing only fair, and then there was a break and only a few were asked to stay. If I get cast I'll be amazed beyond a doubt, but I'm quite certain I won't be, and as always it's disheartening (and yes, I DID say to stop me from doing this and yet here I am, auditioning again). I guess I truly will never learn. Oh, and the yellow light went on again in my Kia, which always means trouble is just a mere days or weeks away, but it's looming (so far the car is driving fine, but I guarantee you it won't for long). And I really cannot think of anything to write about (play-wise), as much as I want to, so that's frustrating, along with the nightmares every single night about not finishing my coursework (or last night being unable to get through an advising appointment). What IS wrong with me?!
I'm just really tired right now, too tired to watch "Six Feet Under" (though I've been waiting months for the series to start up again), too tired to do anything but curl under the covers, maybe do a little reading, and go to sleep. Maybe I'll get lucky and someone will cast me or take one of my plays. Maybe I'll get really lucky and get a decent raise this summer (this is incredibly unlikely) and be able to get rid of my crappy Kia and buy a reliable car. Maybe someday I'll even have a date (this seems most unlikely). But for now, sleep is inevitable.
Anyway, yesterday's audition was for the Devanaugh. I have had absolutely NO luck with this company, either with my acting or my writing, but it's a respected theatre, not too far from home, and I would love to have the opportunity to perform with them, so I keep trying (maybe I won't after this go-round if I don't even get a callback, but we'll see). All I got to do was a two-minute monologue--I chose "The Boyfriend" from "workin' progress"--but I left feeling good about the way I had performed it, and, interestingly, about my writing in general. The two female directors who saw me perform said, "Nice job. So you really wrote that?" when I'd finished. "Yes," I said. "And you performed it at ImprovBoston?" one asked. "Yes, and at the 'Where Eagles Dare' Theatre in NYC," I answered, and both nodded and seemed suitably impressed. Funny, as I wasn't trying for a writing role, but another indicator that I NEED to be writing and that's where my talents truly lie. There were several women at the audition, naturally, most of them in their 20s and thin and perky, through Lyralen, one of the producers of SLAMBoston, was auditioning (after me) as well. I didn't feel badly after the audition, though disappointed that I wasn't asked to read from a side (many didn't get to, as they had 30 people to get to), b/c I was flattered that they liked my writing and I knew I had NAILED my monologue (practice makes more perfect). It was also a simply wonderful day, weather-wise, and I had just finished my first 90 minute yoga class with Jess at the Central Square BSC, so I was feeling energetic and refresthed. Afterwards, I walked the 15 minute trek to the Boston Center for the Arts and saw "Duplex" with Susanna (a friend from ImprovBoston days), and then we sat outside and talked for a couple of hours, and it was really nice.
Contrast that with today. It started with the usual stressful drive to Waltham (not as bad as two Mondays ago, but bad enough), and then the news that Susan would be 10 minutes late due to an accident on 128 (so what's new)? We discussed difficult issues around my anger and inability to open up and cry and grieve in our sessions (which, truth be told, made me frustrated, not the best response). I rushed back to Boston to work, did find parking, and had to run to my car every 2 hours to put in more quarters (fortunately, I did not get a ticket, which rather surprised but certainly pleased me). I sat through two long, draining meetings, finally worked out at 5:30pm but only had 45 minutes on the elliptical (no treadmill or floor work, both of which I NEED), and then rushed off to Waltham (again!) for the Hovey Short Plays festival audition. I think, frankly, that I sucked tonight. I felt really off (tired, a bit headachey) and read two sides but don't think I read either particularly well. The first play in particular really grabbed me--about two women in their 30s with problem pasts re: their husbands and kids--and I read for that before I had had a chance to warm up (I definitely felt nervous). I read alright, not great, and I'm sure part of that was b/c I REALLY would have liked to have been cast in it (I could FEEL the rightness). The second reading was worse, but it's a part many of the women there could have played, so I didn't feel as badly about doing only fair, and then there was a break and only a few were asked to stay. If I get cast I'll be amazed beyond a doubt, but I'm quite certain I won't be, and as always it's disheartening (and yes, I DID say to stop me from doing this and yet here I am, auditioning again). I guess I truly will never learn. Oh, and the yellow light went on again in my Kia, which always means trouble is just a mere days or weeks away, but it's looming (so far the car is driving fine, but I guarantee you it won't for long). And I really cannot think of anything to write about (play-wise), as much as I want to, so that's frustrating, along with the nightmares every single night about not finishing my coursework (or last night being unable to get through an advising appointment). What IS wrong with me?!
I'm just really tired right now, too tired to watch "Six Feet Under" (though I've been waiting months for the series to start up again), too tired to do anything but curl under the covers, maybe do a little reading, and go to sleep. Maybe I'll get lucky and someone will cast me or take one of my plays. Maybe I'll get really lucky and get a decent raise this summer (this is incredibly unlikely) and be able to get rid of my crappy Kia and buy a reliable car. Maybe someday I'll even have a date (this seems most unlikely). But for now, sleep is inevitable.
posted by Sue B at 5:50 PM
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