Tough week...moving on
If you're keeping track, you may have noticed I haven't posted much this week. Good reason for that; I didn't have much to say, and what I did wasn't particularly positive. It gets pretty frustrating to keep writing depressing things, and so I chose to say nothing. The week started off on a bad foot, when my car sounded as if it were about to explode and couldn't be fixed locally. It continued by my not being able to see my therapist again, third week in a row, due to the car. Since she has so few openings, we couldn't find one, and so I didn't get out to Waltham. I auditioned for one-act plays (really, 10-minute ones, and I already was a bit frustrated, in that mine hadn't been accepted) on Wednesday night, and was not cast, though I had a strong audition and my two-minute monologue, taken from WORKIN' PROGRESS, went over really well. Then I had to return my zen creative mp3 player on Thursday night, due to the headphone jack (third return since December!), and though I now have a nice pink one, and it seems to be working well, knock on wood, it was a hassle getting to Cambridge Soundworks and having to deal with one of the sales associates who clearly did NOT want to give me another (fortunately, someone named Michael was far nicer and did work with me on this). The good news is that I brought the car into the Kia Dealership in Lawrence yesterday, and it was the catalytic converter, which was, unbelievably, covered by my warranty. So now the car drives well again--for who knows how long--and I am incredibly relieved, though on the lookout for another car, possibly a Ford Focus, though my preference would be a Civic (which I had wonderful luck with in the 90s) or a Corolla (love the look AND the dependability).
Last night I stayed home, after working out at the gym, watched "The Hours" (yes, it's depressing, but I knew it would be, so I was prepared, and the performances were amazing, particularly those of Meryl Streep and Ed Harris, one of my favorite actors). It felt good to stay home and chill without worries. Today, I'm going to work out and then go to a co-worker's party in Somerville, which should be fun and lowkey. The weather is much nicer out than predicted--no rain yet, temps around 60 degrees--so no complaints there. The issue, in part, is that I got SO upset by this week's events, and that's nothing new, but also something I haven't been able to overcome. I didn't know what was wrong with my car, and while I had every right to feel annoyed--it's a 2000 and only has 33,000 miles on it (16,000 through me, the rest prior to owning it)--I got so depressed and frightened, fearing the worst. I was CERTAIN it would be something major (which it was) and that it wouldn't be covered by the warranty (which it also was). So, as my sisters pointed out, there was no sense in worrying about it beforehand, and yet I did.
I was also really sad over not being cast in the Somerville short play festival, even though it would have required a lot of time on my end, and for which there weren't too many roles I would have been able to fill. (If D. had had another play to direct, I may have been cast; she really liked my audition.) While I didn't get to try out for roles I am certain I could have done well, the same was true for other actors, but I took it very personally, as I always do. I've talked about rejection so many times, and it NEVER gets any easier for me. While part of me wants to say Screw it, no more auditions, my desire to act is great, and it's hard to not give it a try. That's fine, if I don't get devastated by the results, but I DO, and therefore I HAVE to take a break from it. And it's all well and good to say I'll write, and of course I want to, but I also need to have structure to write, and ideas, and I don't have either at the moment.
I'm also particularly upset about my financial situation, which never, ever seems to get any better. I don't see how it can, when my rent comprises 50 percent of my monthly earnings, and when it is impossible for me not to buy CDs and clothing (not every day, and not at boutiques, but still...). My mom suggested yesterday that, in trying to save up money for a downpayment for the car I intend to buy within the next six months (sooner if possible), I give up my daily bagels (from Dunkin Donuts) and iced tea from Starbucks, but I really look forward to both, and don't see how I can. It also seems so unfair that at 42 I still struggle with these financial issues, despite having a master's degree, despite working a fulltime and two parttime jobs (writing center and advising), despite having spent 10 years plus at my job. I'm whining, aren't I? I'm sorry. I just don't feel very hopeful right now. I feel as if I need some good news, and I don't see any on the horizon.
I wish my grandfather, 95 and very wealthy, would loan or give me some money, so I could take care of the car situation, but I can't ask, as this would cause resentment within the family. I wish my job would give me a hefty raise, but there's no way (if I get 3 or 4 percent this year, I'll be VERY lucky). And of course I wish I would meet a boyfriend, but I can't do online dating services, I run across few if any straight, eligible men in my week, and my friends aren't looking, so what do I do?! Oh, and let me add that I binged a bit this past week; I wasn't horrible, but I certainly cheated, and bought Tostitos (hoping that more ppl would show up for book club, but only two did, so I ate the rest of the large bag after they left, over a couple of days) and also snacked on m&m's and a couple of other things at work. While my weight is fairly steady, I have gained a couple of pounds, so instead of moving toward size 6, I am more fully implanted in size 8. That is also a bummer, but I know it's the case when I'm down, and it could have been worse. At least I'm continuing to be vigilant (but not excessive) in working out, and am on my way to the gym in just a few minutes. So you can see why I haven't written more: I just don't really have much news, and what I have is not very inspiring. I suppose I'll have to come up with themes, as others do, e.g., "Who I sit next to on the T" or "Amusing anecdotes from the work world." Suggestions are certainly welcome.
So that's it for now; it might be best, actually, for me to think less and just be present (yoga was great on Friday, because it was strenous but doable, and I just kept bringing myself back to the moment, and felt great afterwards). I'm not sure how I'll feel about going to the Boston Theatre Marathon next weekend with A., and of course, I don't HAVE to if I don't want to, though A. and I have already agreed to, and it will be interesting to see how the plays have been presented and what ideas the playwrights came up with (some plays I've read, many I haven't). So, onto the gym, more Boston Sunday Globe, and then the party and...well, let's hope this week is a better one.
Last night I stayed home, after working out at the gym, watched "The Hours" (yes, it's depressing, but I knew it would be, so I was prepared, and the performances were amazing, particularly those of Meryl Streep and Ed Harris, one of my favorite actors). It felt good to stay home and chill without worries. Today, I'm going to work out and then go to a co-worker's party in Somerville, which should be fun and lowkey. The weather is much nicer out than predicted--no rain yet, temps around 60 degrees--so no complaints there. The issue, in part, is that I got SO upset by this week's events, and that's nothing new, but also something I haven't been able to overcome. I didn't know what was wrong with my car, and while I had every right to feel annoyed--it's a 2000 and only has 33,000 miles on it (16,000 through me, the rest prior to owning it)--I got so depressed and frightened, fearing the worst. I was CERTAIN it would be something major (which it was) and that it wouldn't be covered by the warranty (which it also was). So, as my sisters pointed out, there was no sense in worrying about it beforehand, and yet I did.
I was also really sad over not being cast in the Somerville short play festival, even though it would have required a lot of time on my end, and for which there weren't too many roles I would have been able to fill. (If D. had had another play to direct, I may have been cast; she really liked my audition.) While I didn't get to try out for roles I am certain I could have done well, the same was true for other actors, but I took it very personally, as I always do. I've talked about rejection so many times, and it NEVER gets any easier for me. While part of me wants to say Screw it, no more auditions, my desire to act is great, and it's hard to not give it a try. That's fine, if I don't get devastated by the results, but I DO, and therefore I HAVE to take a break from it. And it's all well and good to say I'll write, and of course I want to, but I also need to have structure to write, and ideas, and I don't have either at the moment.
I'm also particularly upset about my financial situation, which never, ever seems to get any better. I don't see how it can, when my rent comprises 50 percent of my monthly earnings, and when it is impossible for me not to buy CDs and clothing (not every day, and not at boutiques, but still...). My mom suggested yesterday that, in trying to save up money for a downpayment for the car I intend to buy within the next six months (sooner if possible), I give up my daily bagels (from Dunkin Donuts) and iced tea from Starbucks, but I really look forward to both, and don't see how I can. It also seems so unfair that at 42 I still struggle with these financial issues, despite having a master's degree, despite working a fulltime and two parttime jobs (writing center and advising), despite having spent 10 years plus at my job. I'm whining, aren't I? I'm sorry. I just don't feel very hopeful right now. I feel as if I need some good news, and I don't see any on the horizon.
I wish my grandfather, 95 and very wealthy, would loan or give me some money, so I could take care of the car situation, but I can't ask, as this would cause resentment within the family. I wish my job would give me a hefty raise, but there's no way (if I get 3 or 4 percent this year, I'll be VERY lucky). And of course I wish I would meet a boyfriend, but I can't do online dating services, I run across few if any straight, eligible men in my week, and my friends aren't looking, so what do I do?! Oh, and let me add that I binged a bit this past week; I wasn't horrible, but I certainly cheated, and bought Tostitos (hoping that more ppl would show up for book club, but only two did, so I ate the rest of the large bag after they left, over a couple of days) and also snacked on m&m's and a couple of other things at work. While my weight is fairly steady, I have gained a couple of pounds, so instead of moving toward size 6, I am more fully implanted in size 8. That is also a bummer, but I know it's the case when I'm down, and it could have been worse. At least I'm continuing to be vigilant (but not excessive) in working out, and am on my way to the gym in just a few minutes. So you can see why I haven't written more: I just don't really have much news, and what I have is not very inspiring. I suppose I'll have to come up with themes, as others do, e.g., "Who I sit next to on the T" or "Amusing anecdotes from the work world." Suggestions are certainly welcome.
So that's it for now; it might be best, actually, for me to think less and just be present (yoga was great on Friday, because it was strenous but doable, and I just kept bringing myself back to the moment, and felt great afterwards). I'm not sure how I'll feel about going to the Boston Theatre Marathon next weekend with A., and of course, I don't HAVE to if I don't want to, though A. and I have already agreed to, and it will be interesting to see how the plays have been presented and what ideas the playwrights came up with (some plays I've read, many I haven't). So, onto the gym, more Boston Sunday Globe, and then the party and...well, let's hope this week is a better one.
posted by Sue B at 7:00 AM
1 Comments:
Hey there Soobee,
Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear things have been kinda shitty for you too. Wish I could take you out for a beer! Hokey as it is, my mantra has simply become "well, it could be worse." Which I think is a roundabout way of saying count your blessings. ;) It always makes me feel better to number the *good* things I do have right now.
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