On risk and rejection (and success!), part 16
I apologize for not writing for a while. I've been mad busy, tired, and not motivated. As I've noted before, I want to keep my posts to issues regarding the creative process, b/c I don't think you really care whether or not I had advising or went to the supermarket or any of my dail tasks, and I'm not so keen on posting them, anyway. However, there have been a few developments recently in the writing/acting world, so I thought I would share.
Before I do, I'm going to repost an entry from the YESAnd improv board, www.yesand.com, that I submitted a few minutes ago. Shaun Landry, a wonderful actor from San Francisco, recently had her 40th birthday, and I stopped by the board to send her a happy birthday message. she graciously responded, and said the board missed me and to please return. *Awww.* Then I read a post there that talked about being burnt out on improv, and my name was mentioned. I thought, Well, this is as good a time as ever to come back and post, so I did. Here is the post, edited slightly:
It actually wasn't really burnout for me. It was my lack of success, I guess I'd say. I mean, I don't think I'm a particularly good improviser, and yet I really enjoy it. What killed me was the constant rejection and the feeling that I was hitting my head against the wall and didn't seem able to stop. I think you guys are AWESOME--I don't always think the improv scene is. For example, an well-known improviser and director in Boston a couple of years ago told me not to bother auditioning for his troupe b/c he had performed with me before and didn't think I would have success with them. (He wasn't quite as nice in the way he put this, though we get along fine now, b/c the past is the past.) I also auditioned for a cool actor/director in the recent past, thought I had a VERY strong audition, and still didn't get cast. That last audition was the straw that broke my back; I just couldn't hack the rejection anymore. In the meantime, I was starting to have some success (albeit limited) with my writing, and thought, Let me focus on something I know I do well and put the improv behind me.
Interestingly, this week I was contacted by a woman who wants me to work on project involving improv. So perhaps by putting improv on the backburner for a while and exploring other opportunities, I actually opened myself up to some success again. I think the key to ask yourself is, Are you having fun? and if you aren't, STOP DOING IT. JUST STOP IT. Giving up improv freed up lots of time for me to write, see scripted plays and movies (I actually do the former about once a week now, thanks to stagesource and bostix discounted tickets), and just have more time for myself (along w/ less time bemoaning how unsuccessful I was).
I am starting cognitive behavioral therapy in a few weeks, and am excited about it. My key goals are to work on anger management, depression, anxiety, and some self-loathing, so I can be more present and in the moment. I am sure that can only help my scripted and improv acting work (as well as change the quality of my life).
I need to add that I can be a pretty jealous person, so it was eating me up alive to see all the success you fine people were having while I couldn't get a callback audition. As happy as I was for you and everyone else who was succeeding, I was sad and bitter that I couldn't achieve any semblance of success, and I had to take a break. I feel better now. I just finished a 12-minute play I'm pretty proud of that I'm shopping around, I'm going to act in a friend's screenplay salon in a couple of weeks, and I'm auditioning for SLAMBoston at the end of August. Clearly, I'm back on track.
That said, I still think there is a lot of politics and bullshit in the improv world, but there is everywhere. What is tough is how competitive it is--in Boston, in New York, in tons of cities (let no one tell you it's easy in Boston, b/c it isn't, and you often have to make your own opportunities)--and that can be a real deterrant. But again, I'm rethinking goals and my sense is that I do better with scripted material and with original writing, and of course my beloved monologues, so I'm concentrating on those.
Love you guys. Hang in there (especially you, cindi, b/c I understand your self-deprecation, which I have in boatloads!). And enjoy what you do or don't do it.
Peace out for now. And thanks for letting me ramble. :)
So, there you go. I think I summed up a lot of feelings I've had about both the board and especially improv (and success doing same), and it felt good to really come clean. I suspect I'll get a few responses, but that's not why I wrote. I just needed to explain my situation, both for the board members and for myself. I do miss improv, but less and less as time goes on. Since I'm focusing on scripted material and my own writing, I have far less of a void than I feared I might. I have stayed away from seeing improv--when you break up with someone, you need to have a total break, I think--and I'm not quite OVER IT yet, so I think I will remain a friendly stranger. Who knows what the future will hold.
As to my own recent developments, I sent a letter to the AYTB Theatre folks, asking if they had received the latest copy of my play, "Accept This!", since Karen Weeks is usually so wonderful about replying. She got back to me within a day to say that yes, she had received it (and the revision), and that their festival was being pushed back to the Spring. However, she also mentioned how much she liked my monologues and would highly recommend them to their new literary manager, as he went about choosing what would be selected for the festival. (I hope she likes "Accept This!" too, of course, and think she might.) That was very promising, and I sent the email along to D., who wrote about HER plays. Karen said she liked all three of them, one in particular, and would suggest they be accepted as well. Hurrah for both of us! In the meantime, I have sent "Accept This!" to a couple other festivals and can only wait and see if someone likes it enough to produce it. One of my co-workers with a theatre background liked it a lot (more than I thought he might, actually), and my friend A. liked it as well (or said she did...who knows? ;-)).
Aside from that play, which is basically finished, I am going to read two parts in D.'s screenplay, as part of a monthly salon at the Coolidge Corner Theatre in Brookline in two weeks. That should be fun and I'm eager to see the response she gets (it's a fun script). I am also auditioning for SlamBoston in two weeks, and am very hopeful, since I got cast last go-round. I try not to put too much pressure on D. to cast me in the play she's directing, though there are potentially two parts I could see myself taking on, but it's hard, b/c it's been SO long since I've been in a role (January, actually). I am contemplating trying out for a play this Wednesday that sounds fun, but I know nothing about the company (I think I'll write to get more information). And one of D.'s friends is interested in having me work with her, improv-wise, in her development of a script, which I'm looking forward to (something I haven't really done, nor has she, so it will be an experiment). Also, as I mentioned above, I am hoping to begin cognitive behavioral therapy in a few weeks, after I wrap up w/ my current therapist (of nearly four years), and think the hands-on, results-oriented approach is JUST what I need. And I saw a play, "The Syringa Tree," last night with A. and D. at the ART in Cambridge that left me thinking a lot. The playwright had been starring in it, but she injured herself--it is a very physical performance--and another actor stepped in, who had performed it a number of times in the states and abroad. While she was very good, she was also very THEATRICAL, and it was hard for A. and I to feel connected to her, despite her proficiency and the intensity of the story.
The experience of watching the play (which cost me $30, killer for me) made me wonder about future projects I might want to work on, and also the connection of the playwright with the actor (we both felt the playwright was probably more...well, REAL in the role). I don't have any ideas in my mind, and don't have much time to read this weekend--I want to finish Nick Hornby's "A Long Way Down" this weekend, and A. and I are going to the Newport Folk Festival tomorrow, anyway (I won tickets, booyah, through The River), plus seeing the new Bill Murray film later this afternoon (and the Red Sox are on tonight), so I will put off writing until next weekend, unless I feel moved to begin something.
So things carry on, and often, when you are convinced that there is nothing left for you, and that nothing good can come to you, you are pleasantly surprised (or I am). I cannot tell you how much it will kill me if I am not cast by Another Country for SlamBoston, and that's not a good way to go in, I realize, so I have to find a way to distance myself from the process before the audition (fortunately, it's not til the end of the month), b/c I tend to suck when I go in tense (no surprise thereof), and if it means so much, no matter how good I am, I will end up devastated if the results are not favorable. So I need to look at it as another experience on the acting road of life, and nothing more than that. Fortunately, work is going better than it was earlier in the week, when I wanted to rip out my hair and throw things at the walls and hit people, so I am more relaxed (having a nice weekend with comfortable weather certainly helps), and maybe I can achieve a good perspective before I go to Vassar Street at MIT to audition. I hope so. And just maybe one of my plays will be accepted soon. All I can do is keep writing and submitting and keeping busy and crossing my fingers as tightly as I can.
Before I do, I'm going to repost an entry from the YESAnd improv board, www.yesand.com, that I submitted a few minutes ago. Shaun Landry, a wonderful actor from San Francisco, recently had her 40th birthday, and I stopped by the board to send her a happy birthday message. she graciously responded, and said the board missed me and to please return. *Awww.* Then I read a post there that talked about being burnt out on improv, and my name was mentioned. I thought, Well, this is as good a time as ever to come back and post, so I did. Here is the post, edited slightly:
It actually wasn't really burnout for me. It was my lack of success, I guess I'd say. I mean, I don't think I'm a particularly good improviser, and yet I really enjoy it. What killed me was the constant rejection and the feeling that I was hitting my head against the wall and didn't seem able to stop. I think you guys are AWESOME--I don't always think the improv scene is. For example, an well-known improviser and director in Boston a couple of years ago told me not to bother auditioning for his troupe b/c he had performed with me before and didn't think I would have success with them. (He wasn't quite as nice in the way he put this, though we get along fine now, b/c the past is the past.) I also auditioned for a cool actor/director in the recent past, thought I had a VERY strong audition, and still didn't get cast. That last audition was the straw that broke my back; I just couldn't hack the rejection anymore. In the meantime, I was starting to have some success (albeit limited) with my writing, and thought, Let me focus on something I know I do well and put the improv behind me.
Interestingly, this week I was contacted by a woman who wants me to work on project involving improv. So perhaps by putting improv on the backburner for a while and exploring other opportunities, I actually opened myself up to some success again. I think the key to ask yourself is, Are you having fun? and if you aren't, STOP DOING IT. JUST STOP IT. Giving up improv freed up lots of time for me to write, see scripted plays and movies (I actually do the former about once a week now, thanks to stagesource and bostix discounted tickets), and just have more time for myself (along w/ less time bemoaning how unsuccessful I was).
I am starting cognitive behavioral therapy in a few weeks, and am excited about it. My key goals are to work on anger management, depression, anxiety, and some self-loathing, so I can be more present and in the moment. I am sure that can only help my scripted and improv acting work (as well as change the quality of my life).
I need to add that I can be a pretty jealous person, so it was eating me up alive to see all the success you fine people were having while I couldn't get a callback audition. As happy as I was for you and everyone else who was succeeding, I was sad and bitter that I couldn't achieve any semblance of success, and I had to take a break. I feel better now. I just finished a 12-minute play I'm pretty proud of that I'm shopping around, I'm going to act in a friend's screenplay salon in a couple of weeks, and I'm auditioning for SLAMBoston at the end of August. Clearly, I'm back on track.
That said, I still think there is a lot of politics and bullshit in the improv world, but there is everywhere. What is tough is how competitive it is--in Boston, in New York, in tons of cities (let no one tell you it's easy in Boston, b/c it isn't, and you often have to make your own opportunities)--and that can be a real deterrant. But again, I'm rethinking goals and my sense is that I do better with scripted material and with original writing, and of course my beloved monologues, so I'm concentrating on those.
Love you guys. Hang in there (especially you, cindi, b/c I understand your self-deprecation, which I have in boatloads!). And enjoy what you do or don't do it.
Peace out for now. And thanks for letting me ramble. :)
So, there you go. I think I summed up a lot of feelings I've had about both the board and especially improv (and success doing same), and it felt good to really come clean. I suspect I'll get a few responses, but that's not why I wrote. I just needed to explain my situation, both for the board members and for myself. I do miss improv, but less and less as time goes on. Since I'm focusing on scripted material and my own writing, I have far less of a void than I feared I might. I have stayed away from seeing improv--when you break up with someone, you need to have a total break, I think--and I'm not quite OVER IT yet, so I think I will remain a friendly stranger. Who knows what the future will hold.
As to my own recent developments, I sent a letter to the AYTB Theatre folks, asking if they had received the latest copy of my play, "Accept This!", since Karen Weeks is usually so wonderful about replying. She got back to me within a day to say that yes, she had received it (and the revision), and that their festival was being pushed back to the Spring. However, she also mentioned how much she liked my monologues and would highly recommend them to their new literary manager, as he went about choosing what would be selected for the festival. (I hope she likes "Accept This!" too, of course, and think she might.) That was very promising, and I sent the email along to D., who wrote about HER plays. Karen said she liked all three of them, one in particular, and would suggest they be accepted as well. Hurrah for both of us! In the meantime, I have sent "Accept This!" to a couple other festivals and can only wait and see if someone likes it enough to produce it. One of my co-workers with a theatre background liked it a lot (more than I thought he might, actually), and my friend A. liked it as well (or said she did...who knows? ;-)).
Aside from that play, which is basically finished, I am going to read two parts in D.'s screenplay, as part of a monthly salon at the Coolidge Corner Theatre in Brookline in two weeks. That should be fun and I'm eager to see the response she gets (it's a fun script). I am also auditioning for SlamBoston in two weeks, and am very hopeful, since I got cast last go-round. I try not to put too much pressure on D. to cast me in the play she's directing, though there are potentially two parts I could see myself taking on, but it's hard, b/c it's been SO long since I've been in a role (January, actually). I am contemplating trying out for a play this Wednesday that sounds fun, but I know nothing about the company (I think I'll write to get more information). And one of D.'s friends is interested in having me work with her, improv-wise, in her development of a script, which I'm looking forward to (something I haven't really done, nor has she, so it will be an experiment). Also, as I mentioned above, I am hoping to begin cognitive behavioral therapy in a few weeks, after I wrap up w/ my current therapist (of nearly four years), and think the hands-on, results-oriented approach is JUST what I need. And I saw a play, "The Syringa Tree," last night with A. and D. at the ART in Cambridge that left me thinking a lot. The playwright had been starring in it, but she injured herself--it is a very physical performance--and another actor stepped in, who had performed it a number of times in the states and abroad. While she was very good, she was also very THEATRICAL, and it was hard for A. and I to feel connected to her, despite her proficiency and the intensity of the story.
The experience of watching the play (which cost me $30, killer for me) made me wonder about future projects I might want to work on, and also the connection of the playwright with the actor (we both felt the playwright was probably more...well, REAL in the role). I don't have any ideas in my mind, and don't have much time to read this weekend--I want to finish Nick Hornby's "A Long Way Down" this weekend, and A. and I are going to the Newport Folk Festival tomorrow, anyway (I won tickets, booyah, through The River), plus seeing the new Bill Murray film later this afternoon (and the Red Sox are on tonight), so I will put off writing until next weekend, unless I feel moved to begin something.
So things carry on, and often, when you are convinced that there is nothing left for you, and that nothing good can come to you, you are pleasantly surprised (or I am). I cannot tell you how much it will kill me if I am not cast by Another Country for SlamBoston, and that's not a good way to go in, I realize, so I have to find a way to distance myself from the process before the audition (fortunately, it's not til the end of the month), b/c I tend to suck when I go in tense (no surprise thereof), and if it means so much, no matter how good I am, I will end up devastated if the results are not favorable. So I need to look at it as another experience on the acting road of life, and nothing more than that. Fortunately, work is going better than it was earlier in the week, when I wanted to rip out my hair and throw things at the walls and hit people, so I am more relaxed (having a nice weekend with comfortable weather certainly helps), and maybe I can achieve a good perspective before I go to Vassar Street at MIT to audition. I hope so. And just maybe one of my plays will be accepted soon. All I can do is keep writing and submitting and keeping busy and crossing my fingers as tightly as I can.
posted by Sue B at 10:15 AM
1 Comments:
We are always our own worst critics. There have been shows when I felt I wasn't very good, and people have come up to me and said they thought I was the best performer of the 6 of us. Go figure...
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