Sunday, April 27, 2008

I've got pretty much nothing positive to say

Isn't that a great title? I would love to have something better to headline this, but honestly, I just don't. I got three rejections this week, including one from Asphalt Shorts in Canada, and it's getting really, really tired. I also can't type at my desk (though I am right now) without pain, and it's costing too much at the moment to buy a laptop (donations welcome ;-)), so I am confined to writing at work, which is not the most conducive atmosphere to write in, let's be honest. My back just throbs and throbs, and my latest deep tissue massage, $45 for a half hour, did not help ONE BIT. (Maybe it will in the future, but not yet, not even a little bit.) I have taken two classes as part of my 12-week session at the Mind/Body Clinic in Chestnut Hill, MA, and I would love to say that I have gotten some relief from it, but I have not. I know, two weeks is FAR TOO LITTLE TIME to reap results, so I will keep meditating (can't hurt, of course), though it's hard to lay on my back while my back just throbs, and sitting hurts, too. God, I am getting depressed just writing this!!! :( I can imagine how you feel reading this (if you still are!).

What do I enjoy at the moment (as there has to be SOMETHING, right?):

Watching American Idol (favorite singer is David Cook, by a mile, and I think he's going to make it to the finale);

Paying attention to the buds on the trees and flowers on the ground, b/c we are having spring in Boston this year, and it's a wonderful thing. It smells so nice, and it's wondrous to walk in the city on a nice, warm day. It hurts so much to hurt, but I just barge ahead, b/c if it's going to hurt anyway, I might as well get some exercise and make my heart and head feel better, in any case;

Listen to music, as always. I'm switching it up these days; I listen primarily to Mix 98.5, which means I got from Leona Lewis to Daughtry to Natasha Bedenfield (my current favorite) to Rhianna to Jack Johnson. It's nice to change it up. Just mellow music was getting boring to me. I prefer the djays on the River, but the music has left me wanting more. Maybe because I'm getting older I want to get more hip (45 now, kids; unbelievable but true), but I like to hang with younger friends, Anna (who also seems much younger than she is) excluded. My birthday was last week, and it was underwhelming, to say the least (though the surprise birthday at work was nice and very unexpected). My parents did their very best to make it nice for me, but my back hurt so much (driving to their house, then to my sister's in Western MA, back to their house, and then home) that it just took me out. I can't drive anymore with excessive pain, so I feel very trapped. My friends are going to NYC to see the Daily Show in June, but I can't imagine taking a 3 1/2 bus ride to NYC. Who knows in two months, right? I'm just not envisioning it.

Watching the Red Sox. Though they've lost four in a row, I'm so excited by Jed Lowrie, Clay Bucholz, and of course Jacoby Ellsbury, and Manny is tearing it up, that you can't help but get excited by being part of their run at a third World Series. I think it's unlikely--the pitching is decimated, and there are a lot of injuries--but it's so early in the season that you are glad the problems are taking place now (and they are still in first place) and hopefully not in July and August. I'm also reading LOOK ME IN THE EYE but John Robison, Augusten Burrough's brother, and it's fascinating (it's about Asperger's) and inspiring. We should all be so articulate.

So, um, that's about it for now. I cannot write creatively, b/c I am too depressed and it hurts too much mentally and physically and I couldn't be less motivated. (Oh, and getting continuous rejections, and I am, trust me, does not help my mood.)

IF you are reading this, and want to send some good vibes my way, I'd be very appreciative. I can't muster the strength right now.


Blogger John Elder Robison said...

Why are you describing yourself as so depressed, and why do you seem too damaged to ride a car across the state?

12:07 PM  
Blogger soobee said...

Thanks for writing, John. I have depressed for most of my life for a variety of reasons. But being in chronic pain (lower back) means that everything is impacted negatively. I have trouble riding in cars (or driving), so seeing my family is tough, and I can't travel very far (e.g., to NYC with friends for the weekend). So that's the situation, and it's impacting work, exercise (can't do it), and writing (can't do it at home; am seeking a laptop, but it's expensive).

BTW, I continue to find your book very engrossing. It's written with such clarity but not self-pity.

5:09 AM  

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