On risk and rejection, part five
Note that I didn't put the (and success!) phrase in today. The last 24 hours or so have been tough for me, and I thought I'd try to explore exactly why. As I mentioned in my last post, I have been sending out inquiries regarding the Boston Theatre Marathon (BTM 7), hoping to get cast in someone's 10-minute play. Chances are slim to none, as I am not involved with any theatre group at this point (and don't see it happening anytime in the near future), and the producing companies generally go with actors they are already involved with or know. Nonetheless, I took the chance and sent out about seven emails to companies producing plays with at least one female character in her 30s or 40s. So far, I have not received any encouraging news, but not everyone has responded, so it's still possible, though unlikely, that I'll be considered for a part. I am planning to go to the festival in any case, b/c it's a cool opportunity to see 50 (!) short plays in a 10-hour span for $30 and it's a fundraiser. I didn't submit a play, unlike friend D., so I can't be upset about that (she is actually going to be out of town, so she can't go, but my friend A. plans to, though not for the whole time).
I didn't think it would be such a big deal--after all, I knew my chances weren't great--but for some reason, the idea of getting cast became something I really wanted and it bothered me (and still does) that I just can't get it to happen. These feelings were exacerbated by a three hour master class with Tina Packer, the Artistic Director of Shakespeare and Company in Lenox, yesterday morning at work. The theme was how acting and teaching are connected, I guess, and how the teacher can bring more passion to the classroom. It was very interesting (Tina Packer is so comfortable on her feet, as you can imagine, and was very real in her presentation and wonderful working with both the college actors and members of the audience), but I became increasingly despondent as the presentation continued. I guess I saw her and thought, Boy she is SO lucky. She gets to act, to direct, to produce, and to teach, and is involved with an art that she inspires and that inspires her. I'm sitting here, listening but not participating (it's rare for me, but I couldn't think of anything to say), and becoming increasingly jealous as I see the student actors doing Shakespearean works and getting to develop their craft through working with Tina.
Also, nearly everyone in the room was a teacher, but I am not. They could see how Tina's suggestions could directly impact their work, but I do not have a classroom in which to "perform," if you will, and except for Year One in the Fall, don't see that happening anytime soon. Instead, I wish to act, and it just kept hitting me: others get to act but YOU DON'T. This is very narcissistic, I realize, but I couldn't get past it. It hurt so much, and I had increasing difficulty focusing. I wanted to rush up to Tina and say, "Please, let me act, cast me in something or ask someone else to," but I couldn't, of course. My colleague T. suggested I see Tina after the presentation and talk to her about my frustrations and seeking advice, but she was engaged in dialogue with four others, including one of the symposium's directors, so instead I decided to email her (and I will), and went downstairs, after eating more than I wanted and barely tasting any of it.
Back at my desk, I felt so sad and worthless, and needed to do something to feel better. I had also missed yoga (which was at noon), something I HATE TO DO, so I went to the gym and had a pretty decent workout, keeping my knees in mind, as it was my third day of elliptical work in a row, and I try to avoid that. I considered doing a 6:30 yoga class at the BSC in Copley, but I was tired, and really wanted to get home, so I left at about 5:30 instead. The workout did help--it usually does--and I felt better afterwards, though it is more of a distraction, of course, than anything (but a healthy one, at least). At home, I had trouble resisting the urge to eat everything in sight, but I managed not to (this is precisely why I don't keep bags of chips and other fattening things like chocolates and peanut butter in my apartment). I read Empire Falls, which I am still not enjoying--it feels burdensome to have to read it, and I can't wait to be done with it--and then fell asleep early, about 11am. I woke up around 1:00am, after some restless dreaming (this has been pretty constant lately), and checked my email. BIG MISTAKE.
I heard from SouthCity Theatre, and, no particular shock, they had decided NOT to select me for the troupe. Mike has been very nice about this from the start, and honest (he had let me know initially that it was unlikely I'd get chosen, though I think I did impress him and the troupe with a strong audition), and he was also very kind in his rejection email, thanking me for coming out, congratulating me on my recent successes with my plays, and telling me he'd let me know if the play HE'S producing for BTM 7 still needs actors. But it still hurt, naturally, and it was just another no, another "No, you can't act, forgetaboutit" message, and I wonder if this will ever end. My friends at YESAnd tell me to stop trying for a while, take a break, and then come back to it with renewed energy, etc., and I know they are right, and yet I can't seem to stop trying. Is this just foolishness? Masiochism? An inability to take a hint? Maybe it's all three, but I prefer to think it's a need I have, to perform, to express myself verbally, and I know it's fun and the chance to engage with others, and I want to have the chance others, both more and less talented than me, get every week.
Work is going okay, but it's not been especially stimulating lately. I also got a diagnosis recently that I won't go into today, but suffice it to say that certain parts of my life have been impacted by a cognitive deficiency (things that are visual-spatial, like reading maps, fine and gross motor skills, and change) but that my verbal, written, and rote memory skills are especially strong. Having this confirmed, perhaps I'm even more committed to finding areas of my life that I can do successfully, and it would seem that acting (not improv, mind you, but scripted acting) is a natural, but again, it seems to confound me, time and again. As I've said, I realize that I am a natural writer and maybe not as naturally gifted at acting, but I've been performing since I was six years old, and I believe I have some talent. I know how competitive it is, but Christ, I only want a part in a 10-minute play! This doesn't seem to be so much to ask, frankly. At any rate, after getting Mike's email, I went back to bed, but slept fitfully. I finally work up around 6 or so, emailed him a nice response back, turned off the jazz music I'd had on all night, and went back to sleep.
Not surprisingly, I didn't make it to the 8:30 yoga class (I didn't really think I would), and so it looks like there won't be any yoga this week (and I could REALLY use it), unless I manage to get to a class tomorrow afternoon, and I don't think I'll be able to. After I finish this post and shower and pack, I'm on my way to my sister's in Western Mass for a family get together and Passover Seder. I am about as non-religious as it's possible for someone to be, so I'm only going to see the family, particularly my nieces, whom I haven't seen much for the past few months, and am dreading the Seder, but I'll get through it. I'm also hoping that being off the computer, and away from this constant innundation (self-imposed, I realize) with acting and theatre, will make me feel better. I don't think it can make me feel any worse, anyway. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do in the weeks to come, b/c I don't have any upcoming projects, and I suspect after next weekend's readings, I'm going to feel even worse. Then I need to go back to therapy and deal with my inability to deal with physical intimacy. Sounds delightful, doesn't it? ;-)
Please don't think I'm not aware of all the good things (knock wood) I have in my life now, and the stability that I am extremely grateful exists. But this nagging sense I've always had, that I have to work harder than others to get the same things, has made its way to the forefront again, and I'm trying to work though it. I will, but no one said it would get easy. Maybe I'm close to some sort of breakthrough. All I can do is take it one day at a time.
I didn't think it would be such a big deal--after all, I knew my chances weren't great--but for some reason, the idea of getting cast became something I really wanted and it bothered me (and still does) that I just can't get it to happen. These feelings were exacerbated by a three hour master class with Tina Packer, the Artistic Director of Shakespeare and Company in Lenox, yesterday morning at work. The theme was how acting and teaching are connected, I guess, and how the teacher can bring more passion to the classroom. It was very interesting (Tina Packer is so comfortable on her feet, as you can imagine, and was very real in her presentation and wonderful working with both the college actors and members of the audience), but I became increasingly despondent as the presentation continued. I guess I saw her and thought, Boy she is SO lucky. She gets to act, to direct, to produce, and to teach, and is involved with an art that she inspires and that inspires her. I'm sitting here, listening but not participating (it's rare for me, but I couldn't think of anything to say), and becoming increasingly jealous as I see the student actors doing Shakespearean works and getting to develop their craft through working with Tina.
Also, nearly everyone in the room was a teacher, but I am not. They could see how Tina's suggestions could directly impact their work, but I do not have a classroom in which to "perform," if you will, and except for Year One in the Fall, don't see that happening anytime soon. Instead, I wish to act, and it just kept hitting me: others get to act but YOU DON'T. This is very narcissistic, I realize, but I couldn't get past it. It hurt so much, and I had increasing difficulty focusing. I wanted to rush up to Tina and say, "Please, let me act, cast me in something or ask someone else to," but I couldn't, of course. My colleague T. suggested I see Tina after the presentation and talk to her about my frustrations and seeking advice, but she was engaged in dialogue with four others, including one of the symposium's directors, so instead I decided to email her (and I will), and went downstairs, after eating more than I wanted and barely tasting any of it.
Back at my desk, I felt so sad and worthless, and needed to do something to feel better. I had also missed yoga (which was at noon), something I HATE TO DO, so I went to the gym and had a pretty decent workout, keeping my knees in mind, as it was my third day of elliptical work in a row, and I try to avoid that. I considered doing a 6:30 yoga class at the BSC in Copley, but I was tired, and really wanted to get home, so I left at about 5:30 instead. The workout did help--it usually does--and I felt better afterwards, though it is more of a distraction, of course, than anything (but a healthy one, at least). At home, I had trouble resisting the urge to eat everything in sight, but I managed not to (this is precisely why I don't keep bags of chips and other fattening things like chocolates and peanut butter in my apartment). I read Empire Falls, which I am still not enjoying--it feels burdensome to have to read it, and I can't wait to be done with it--and then fell asleep early, about 11am. I woke up around 1:00am, after some restless dreaming (this has been pretty constant lately), and checked my email. BIG MISTAKE.
I heard from SouthCity Theatre, and, no particular shock, they had decided NOT to select me for the troupe. Mike has been very nice about this from the start, and honest (he had let me know initially that it was unlikely I'd get chosen, though I think I did impress him and the troupe with a strong audition), and he was also very kind in his rejection email, thanking me for coming out, congratulating me on my recent successes with my plays, and telling me he'd let me know if the play HE'S producing for BTM 7 still needs actors. But it still hurt, naturally, and it was just another no, another "No, you can't act, forgetaboutit" message, and I wonder if this will ever end. My friends at YESAnd tell me to stop trying for a while, take a break, and then come back to it with renewed energy, etc., and I know they are right, and yet I can't seem to stop trying. Is this just foolishness? Masiochism? An inability to take a hint? Maybe it's all three, but I prefer to think it's a need I have, to perform, to express myself verbally, and I know it's fun and the chance to engage with others, and I want to have the chance others, both more and less talented than me, get every week.
Work is going okay, but it's not been especially stimulating lately. I also got a diagnosis recently that I won't go into today, but suffice it to say that certain parts of my life have been impacted by a cognitive deficiency (things that are visual-spatial, like reading maps, fine and gross motor skills, and change) but that my verbal, written, and rote memory skills are especially strong. Having this confirmed, perhaps I'm even more committed to finding areas of my life that I can do successfully, and it would seem that acting (not improv, mind you, but scripted acting) is a natural, but again, it seems to confound me, time and again. As I've said, I realize that I am a natural writer and maybe not as naturally gifted at acting, but I've been performing since I was six years old, and I believe I have some talent. I know how competitive it is, but Christ, I only want a part in a 10-minute play! This doesn't seem to be so much to ask, frankly. At any rate, after getting Mike's email, I went back to bed, but slept fitfully. I finally work up around 6 or so, emailed him a nice response back, turned off the jazz music I'd had on all night, and went back to sleep.
Not surprisingly, I didn't make it to the 8:30 yoga class (I didn't really think I would), and so it looks like there won't be any yoga this week (and I could REALLY use it), unless I manage to get to a class tomorrow afternoon, and I don't think I'll be able to. After I finish this post and shower and pack, I'm on my way to my sister's in Western Mass for a family get together and Passover Seder. I am about as non-religious as it's possible for someone to be, so I'm only going to see the family, particularly my nieces, whom I haven't seen much for the past few months, and am dreading the Seder, but I'll get through it. I'm also hoping that being off the computer, and away from this constant innundation (self-imposed, I realize) with acting and theatre, will make me feel better. I don't think it can make me feel any worse, anyway. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do in the weeks to come, b/c I don't have any upcoming projects, and I suspect after next weekend's readings, I'm going to feel even worse. Then I need to go back to therapy and deal with my inability to deal with physical intimacy. Sounds delightful, doesn't it? ;-)
Please don't think I'm not aware of all the good things (knock wood) I have in my life now, and the stability that I am extremely grateful exists. But this nagging sense I've always had, that I have to work harder than others to get the same things, has made its way to the forefront again, and I'm trying to work though it. I will, but no one said it would get easy. Maybe I'm close to some sort of breakthrough. All I can do is take it one day at a time.
posted by Sue B at 5:50 AM
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