On risk and rejection (and success!), part four
Well, as noted, I have recently attained some success with my playwriting, but the same can certainly not be said about my acting. In fact, quite the opposite. I am still waiting to hear about my being cast in a local improv/sketch/theatre troupe (chances are unlikely, at best). In the meantime, I decided to take the bull by the horns and contact five or six companies to see if they might be interested in casting me for the Boston Theatre Marathon 7, which will be held at the end of May in the South End. This is not very likely, because most of the producing companies already have in-house companies OR have people that they regularly cast (or have recently cast), so why should they take a chance on me? On the other hand, you can't possibly win if you don't try, so I figured I would send out some emails, attach some resumes, and see if I might get lucky. Of course, you need to get cast to continue to get cast, and as no one has elected to do so as yet except SLAMBoston, and they aren't involved with BTM (sadly), I don't really see how this is going to work out for me.
Perhaps some company is waiting, hoping for the right person to happen by, and if they get my email, it piques their curiosity and they have me do a reading for them, or some such thing. I don't know, and in fact this sort of made me feel like a whore for trying, or at least a very desperate actor, and no one wants to feel or come across that way, of course. The reality is that I am feeling rather desperate at my opportunity to act these days (though I found out that Theatre@First in Somerville will be casting for their 10-minute marathon in May, and I am going to audition for that), and don't see it happening any time soon. And God, I so want to act again! The last time I did so was in January, and it gave me enough of a taste that I want to do it again.
I don't mind it only being in a 10-minute play; in fact, that works out really well with my schedule and doesn't present many conflicts or too much pressure. But doing this, i.e., emailing these companies I only know by reputation OR have been rejected by in the past makes me feel so sad and desperate, and who can possibly enjoy this state of vulnerability (and futility)? I already got one response--the link was wrong, and I contacted an incorrect company (though the woman was very nice about it in her email)--and I don't expect any responses to be more favorable. Of course, with this sense of negativity, how can I possibly expect to succeed? As with Bren on The Apprentice, who was fired tonight, primarily for his lack of risk-taking (not a smart thing to say to Donald Trump, frankly), if you don't take a risk and go for it, how CAN you possibly succeed (or at least succeed in a new, unfamiliar area where you haven't gone before)?
Bren decided that he was actually happier where he'd been before the process--as a lawyer in the South, with his wife and two boys--but I can't honestly say I'm happy as a non-performing actor, seeing theatrical productions nearly every week and not participating in any of them. Granted, it's a lot easier to either watch and think, "Gee, I could have played that role just as well!" or complain, and it sucks, simply sucks, to put yourself out there, just asking for rejection, but how else to possibly gain the opportunity to participate? Someone on the sidelines is going to get picked, and it might as well be me. I could get lucky, though I really don't feel that way tonight. You'd think I might, too, after having two plays selected for festivals, but I put that in another category altogether, and realize, as I've mentioned before, that I'm 2/4 in festivals and 1/20 or so in acting (or something like that). So instead of getting excited, this process just fills me with futility, and I can't really help that.
Still, I carry on, and maybe, just maybe, someone will take pity--er, find my resume inviting--and ask me to audition or choose me. It certainly WON'T happen if I hope for it to but remain inactive. But ask me in a few days, if no one comes aknockin', how I feel, and the answer will be pretty low. And it's not about loneliness but about opportunity. I need it, and it's hard to create it for myself, and I can't act in my bedroom, so I have no choice, but it hurts to think of the times I've been rejected and the slim chances I have to actually get cast, with so many capable and more well-known actors in the Boston area. Please, someone, say yes and give me the break I need. I promise to work hard and be good! I swear. C'mon. Pretty please?
Perhaps some company is waiting, hoping for the right person to happen by, and if they get my email, it piques their curiosity and they have me do a reading for them, or some such thing. I don't know, and in fact this sort of made me feel like a whore for trying, or at least a very desperate actor, and no one wants to feel or come across that way, of course. The reality is that I am feeling rather desperate at my opportunity to act these days (though I found out that Theatre@First in Somerville will be casting for their 10-minute marathon in May, and I am going to audition for that), and don't see it happening any time soon. And God, I so want to act again! The last time I did so was in January, and it gave me enough of a taste that I want to do it again.
I don't mind it only being in a 10-minute play; in fact, that works out really well with my schedule and doesn't present many conflicts or too much pressure. But doing this, i.e., emailing these companies I only know by reputation OR have been rejected by in the past makes me feel so sad and desperate, and who can possibly enjoy this state of vulnerability (and futility)? I already got one response--the link was wrong, and I contacted an incorrect company (though the woman was very nice about it in her email)--and I don't expect any responses to be more favorable. Of course, with this sense of negativity, how can I possibly expect to succeed? As with Bren on The Apprentice, who was fired tonight, primarily for his lack of risk-taking (not a smart thing to say to Donald Trump, frankly), if you don't take a risk and go for it, how CAN you possibly succeed (or at least succeed in a new, unfamiliar area where you haven't gone before)?
Bren decided that he was actually happier where he'd been before the process--as a lawyer in the South, with his wife and two boys--but I can't honestly say I'm happy as a non-performing actor, seeing theatrical productions nearly every week and not participating in any of them. Granted, it's a lot easier to either watch and think, "Gee, I could have played that role just as well!" or complain, and it sucks, simply sucks, to put yourself out there, just asking for rejection, but how else to possibly gain the opportunity to participate? Someone on the sidelines is going to get picked, and it might as well be me. I could get lucky, though I really don't feel that way tonight. You'd think I might, too, after having two plays selected for festivals, but I put that in another category altogether, and realize, as I've mentioned before, that I'm 2/4 in festivals and 1/20 or so in acting (or something like that). So instead of getting excited, this process just fills me with futility, and I can't really help that.
Still, I carry on, and maybe, just maybe, someone will take pity--er, find my resume inviting--and ask me to audition or choose me. It certainly WON'T happen if I hope for it to but remain inactive. But ask me in a few days, if no one comes aknockin', how I feel, and the answer will be pretty low. And it's not about loneliness but about opportunity. I need it, and it's hard to create it for myself, and I can't act in my bedroom, so I have no choice, but it hurts to think of the times I've been rejected and the slim chances I have to actually get cast, with so many capable and more well-known actors in the Boston area. Please, someone, say yes and give me the break I need. I promise to work hard and be good! I swear. C'mon. Pretty please?
posted by Sue B at 7:55 PM
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