On risk and rejection (and success!), part three
No, this isn't going away for a while. :-) I am not sure if I'll actually make it to 12, but we'll see. Anyway, I'm still on a bit of a high b/c my play got accepted in the Arlington Players Reading, along w/ D.'s. My mom and dad now want to come with a couple they are friendly with--an artsy one--and while I feel a bit sheepish about it (what if the acting is terrible? what if everyone hates my play? what if it goes on for three or more hours?), I'm also honored that they are interested in attending, and I said they could, of course. I would love to be at the rehearsal of the play, but unfortunately I have advising on Tuesday nights, so D. will go and give me a report, if she's there when mine goes up. I realize this isn't a HUGE festival, but it's certainly a great start. Of course, I want OTHER festivals to say yes now--naturally, one gets greedy and hungry for more, even if she says she won't ;-)--and my dream is that some festival or company reads "Uncharted Territory" and says, 'Wow, you really have potential. We'd like to develop this with you!' A pipe dream, of course, but I do have PB Sandwiches to offer and I'm sure there's more I could write. Meanwhile, I do have to write more, and maybe I can get started this weekend. The discipline is the hardest thing, no question about it.
The issue I have the greatest difficulty about, as I continue on the risk and rejection road, is dating and relationships. Basically, I've never had a serious boyfriend, and at 42, the idea of having one seems rather improbable, frankly. Maybe that's part of my problem, but I simply can't envision it. I walk around and see thousands of other couples of all shapes and sizes and races (and it makes me sad), so there's no reason I shouldn't have a companion, too, but it has not happened. God knows, I've tried dating services, personal ads, and online dating services (match.com and recently okcupid), but have had little success. I'm a terrible FIRST DATE person. I'm just ridiculous. I get so scared, and so uptight, and want it to work so damned much that I either give off desperate signals or am just really unappealing. I usually talk too much, and I also tend to allow the other person to pretty much say (or even do) what he wants--no, not in a physical way, but certainly verbally, e.g., berating a good friend of mine one guy dated briefly--and I rarely, if ever, take a stand. I get irritated with him, but also feel trapped, and helpless, and vulnerable, and so do nothing.
Afterwards, as I'm pondering how poorly the date went, I think of 'what if's' and so on, and wonder why I spent as long with him as I did (or, occasionally, what I did or didn't do that made him find me unattractive or incompatible when I didn't feel the same). It's like a job interview, only worse, because you really are being judged for who you are on potentially superficial things, like the color of your hair, what you're wearing, your weight, the color of your eyes, or whether or not you like a certain food or kind of music. It could be as simple as that, and I think it often is. Compatibility is such an intangible, and that's what makes this so difficult. I think it's far easier to explain why a job candidate was chosen over another, but a date? Not so much. "Well, she just wasn't for me," a man might say, or "He really didn't do it for me," and what the hell does that mean, anyway? I'm usually so scared and uptight that I don't think I'm giving a particularly fair picture of myself, and the man might be in the same position.
And the older I get, the harder it gets, b/c I just become increasingly obessed with the fact that I am in my 40s and have NEVER HAD A SERIOUS BOYFRIEND/RELATIONSHIP. Why should I really that I will have one soon, if it's never happened? What has changed in my life to convince me that now is the time or that he's out there and I'm open and willing to take the chance, to risk being seriously hurt (in an emotional way, that is--God forbid there is any physical violence involved)? I don't know. Do I really try to find someone? Well, I don't do a lot of clubbing, but I highly doubt I'll meet someone that way, particularly at this point in my life. I am not a member of a lot of groups (like THE BOOMER GANG, which seems ridiculously inactive), and I also know I am picky. I would rather date someone around my age, give or take five years, than someone who is, say, 10 years older than me, and probably looks it. I would rather date someone 10 years younger, but how likely is that? Also, I need someone very open to taking it slowly, and I doubt that is the norm, though it could be.
Finally, I'd prefer someone without kids, though I am trying to be openminded about it (I've never wanted children, so why would I want someone else's?), and it gets harder and harder to find men sans kids at this point. With acting and playwriting, as I've noted below, so much less is at stake, at least for me, but relationships are a key component of people's lives, and it's the area that has most alluded me and continues to do so. If I could just meet a nice, straight, single guy who wanted to be friends and talk and do things together, trust me, that would be a wonderful start. But there's so hard to find...I don't even know how you find someone like that (in the personals? unlikely, me thinks). So I continue to feel sad about my lack of a man in my life, though I remain very independent and active (and have every intention of remaining that way), and am at the same time ridiculously afraid of sex, and don't see that going away soon, not after a gazillion (or 15) years of therapy.
My therapist actually suggested on Monday that I might want to acknowledge that I am just not comfortable with the idea of having a physical relationship with a man, and therefore grieving the loss and moving on. But I can't say that yet, and I WILL NOT cut off such an important part of my life, not yet, that's for sure. Maybe someday, but it will be MY choice, not hers, and it will be after more effort (and maybe failure; hell, maybe even success, who knows?). In the meantime, I applaud and rejoice in the successes that have recently come my way, while sad in the knowledge that the ellusive soulmate is just that. Ellusive.
The issue I have the greatest difficulty about, as I continue on the risk and rejection road, is dating and relationships. Basically, I've never had a serious boyfriend, and at 42, the idea of having one seems rather improbable, frankly. Maybe that's part of my problem, but I simply can't envision it. I walk around and see thousands of other couples of all shapes and sizes and races (and it makes me sad), so there's no reason I shouldn't have a companion, too, but it has not happened. God knows, I've tried dating services, personal ads, and online dating services (match.com and recently okcupid), but have had little success. I'm a terrible FIRST DATE person. I'm just ridiculous. I get so scared, and so uptight, and want it to work so damned much that I either give off desperate signals or am just really unappealing. I usually talk too much, and I also tend to allow the other person to pretty much say (or even do) what he wants--no, not in a physical way, but certainly verbally, e.g., berating a good friend of mine one guy dated briefly--and I rarely, if ever, take a stand. I get irritated with him, but also feel trapped, and helpless, and vulnerable, and so do nothing.
Afterwards, as I'm pondering how poorly the date went, I think of 'what if's' and so on, and wonder why I spent as long with him as I did (or, occasionally, what I did or didn't do that made him find me unattractive or incompatible when I didn't feel the same). It's like a job interview, only worse, because you really are being judged for who you are on potentially superficial things, like the color of your hair, what you're wearing, your weight, the color of your eyes, or whether or not you like a certain food or kind of music. It could be as simple as that, and I think it often is. Compatibility is such an intangible, and that's what makes this so difficult. I think it's far easier to explain why a job candidate was chosen over another, but a date? Not so much. "Well, she just wasn't for me," a man might say, or "He really didn't do it for me," and what the hell does that mean, anyway? I'm usually so scared and uptight that I don't think I'm giving a particularly fair picture of myself, and the man might be in the same position.
And the older I get, the harder it gets, b/c I just become increasingly obessed with the fact that I am in my 40s and have NEVER HAD A SERIOUS BOYFRIEND/RELATIONSHIP. Why should I really that I will have one soon, if it's never happened? What has changed in my life to convince me that now is the time or that he's out there and I'm open and willing to take the chance, to risk being seriously hurt (in an emotional way, that is--God forbid there is any physical violence involved)? I don't know. Do I really try to find someone? Well, I don't do a lot of clubbing, but I highly doubt I'll meet someone that way, particularly at this point in my life. I am not a member of a lot of groups (like THE BOOMER GANG, which seems ridiculously inactive), and I also know I am picky. I would rather date someone around my age, give or take five years, than someone who is, say, 10 years older than me, and probably looks it. I would rather date someone 10 years younger, but how likely is that? Also, I need someone very open to taking it slowly, and I doubt that is the norm, though it could be.
Finally, I'd prefer someone without kids, though I am trying to be openminded about it (I've never wanted children, so why would I want someone else's?), and it gets harder and harder to find men sans kids at this point. With acting and playwriting, as I've noted below, so much less is at stake, at least for me, but relationships are a key component of people's lives, and it's the area that has most alluded me and continues to do so. If I could just meet a nice, straight, single guy who wanted to be friends and talk and do things together, trust me, that would be a wonderful start. But there's so hard to find...I don't even know how you find someone like that (in the personals? unlikely, me thinks). So I continue to feel sad about my lack of a man in my life, though I remain very independent and active (and have every intention of remaining that way), and am at the same time ridiculously afraid of sex, and don't see that going away soon, not after a gazillion (or 15) years of therapy.
My therapist actually suggested on Monday that I might want to acknowledge that I am just not comfortable with the idea of having a physical relationship with a man, and therefore grieving the loss and moving on. But I can't say that yet, and I WILL NOT cut off such an important part of my life, not yet, that's for sure. Maybe someday, but it will be MY choice, not hers, and it will be after more effort (and maybe failure; hell, maybe even success, who knows?). In the meantime, I applaud and rejoice in the successes that have recently come my way, while sad in the knowledge that the ellusive soulmate is just that. Ellusive.
posted by Sue B at 4:10 PM
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