Trying to find the contented place
Well, kids, it's been quite a couple of weeks for me. First, I'm on new medication, and I think it's going to do me a lot of good, but it will take a while to kick in, and in the meantime, I've been very, very depressed at times (if you count sobbing on the subway, aka "T," as depressed). I've also been having very vibrant and often violent dreams, which leave me fatigued and anxious. I think this has to do with a lot of things: rejection by Dragonfly (who never even let me know I wasn't cast in anything!) and the Boston Theatre Marathon (although I appreciated Kate's handwritten rejection), along with a plethora (alright, several) other theatres/festivals; my attempt to not spend money (more on that in a moment); the Advising Office at my college moving up two floors, leaving me and the Registrar's Office alone (well, mostly alone) to tend to student needs on the first floor, the first point of entry (and the loss of collegial support and friendship); and the crappy cold weather in New England that won't go away. The last is the least, believe me. The others are far more notable.
How have I dealt with these issues? Well, I'm working very hard at not spending money, and have now gone more than three weeks without Venti Black Iced Teas from Starbucks (limiting my caffeine intake and saving a considerable amount of money per week/month), and this has been no easy task for me. This weekend, my friend C. from Buffalo came to visit, and I did spend money. Aside from eating out a few times (which is to be expected), I bought red earrings ($14), a messenger bag ($15, Gap) for work, and a Zen Micro portable charger/player ($50, and now I can actually listen to music in my car! Amazing!!!). It actually felt freeing to finally spend money again on things I really wanted (need? maybe not), though it was certainly tinged with a great deal of guilt. I'm back to frugality for a while, though I will be spending money on my dad's 70th and sister's 40th birthdays, respectively. (Mine's in April, too, so maybe I'll get a bit back, or maybe I will finally get the oversized chair and ottoman I've dreamed of for many years. Ah. Comfy chair.) It was really hard at work last week, but I'm keeping in touch with S., my close advising friend, and I'll just have to accept the new arrangement, b/c I don't have a choice. I keep working out, harder and harder within reason (I'm now burning about 640 calories on the elliptical in a 45-minute workout), and I'm not eating well enough, but I do plan to see a nutritionist soon.
As for rejection? Well, that isn't going so well. I tried not to do the playwrighting binge, but I couldn't keep myself away. Writing and submitting is just too important to me, and you can't win (or even stay in the game) if you don't play. I'm restricting my submissions primarily to my two strongest pieces (or so I believe), with two others going out when applicable. Two others need work--I accept this--and I will get back to them when I have some free time in a couple of weeks. I continue to usher for plays, get free tickets for plays, see plays and network at plays, and this is just so important for me, b/c I feel better when I'm in a creative environment. I can't live without creativity, and so I won't. And next weekend I get to see all of my nieces, my nephew, and my sisters, along with my parents and brothers-in-law, and I can't wait. I always feel so much better when I'm with the girls and Matt (except when I'm sick, e.g., the last two times I saw them), and I am hopeful that next week will not be an exception. This weekend was really fun, and it was b/c I got to relax, enjoy time with a good friend, and not think about all of the stressors in my life. There was no competition, no disappointment, just fun, and dammit, I need more of that. I have to have it if I want to stay well. The goal is to find the contented place and to stay there. I'm going to try, and that's all I can do.
How have I dealt with these issues? Well, I'm working very hard at not spending money, and have now gone more than three weeks without Venti Black Iced Teas from Starbucks (limiting my caffeine intake and saving a considerable amount of money per week/month), and this has been no easy task for me. This weekend, my friend C. from Buffalo came to visit, and I did spend money. Aside from eating out a few times (which is to be expected), I bought red earrings ($14), a messenger bag ($15, Gap) for work, and a Zen Micro portable charger/player ($50, and now I can actually listen to music in my car! Amazing!!!). It actually felt freeing to finally spend money again on things I really wanted (need? maybe not), though it was certainly tinged with a great deal of guilt. I'm back to frugality for a while, though I will be spending money on my dad's 70th and sister's 40th birthdays, respectively. (Mine's in April, too, so maybe I'll get a bit back, or maybe I will finally get the oversized chair and ottoman I've dreamed of for many years. Ah. Comfy chair.) It was really hard at work last week, but I'm keeping in touch with S., my close advising friend, and I'll just have to accept the new arrangement, b/c I don't have a choice. I keep working out, harder and harder within reason (I'm now burning about 640 calories on the elliptical in a 45-minute workout), and I'm not eating well enough, but I do plan to see a nutritionist soon.
As for rejection? Well, that isn't going so well. I tried not to do the playwrighting binge, but I couldn't keep myself away. Writing and submitting is just too important to me, and you can't win (or even stay in the game) if you don't play. I'm restricting my submissions primarily to my two strongest pieces (or so I believe), with two others going out when applicable. Two others need work--I accept this--and I will get back to them when I have some free time in a couple of weeks. I continue to usher for plays, get free tickets for plays, see plays and network at plays, and this is just so important for me, b/c I feel better when I'm in a creative environment. I can't live without creativity, and so I won't. And next weekend I get to see all of my nieces, my nephew, and my sisters, along with my parents and brothers-in-law, and I can't wait. I always feel so much better when I'm with the girls and Matt (except when I'm sick, e.g., the last two times I saw them), and I am hopeful that next week will not be an exception. This weekend was really fun, and it was b/c I got to relax, enjoy time with a good friend, and not think about all of the stressors in my life. There was no competition, no disappointment, just fun, and dammit, I need more of that. I have to have it if I want to stay well. The goal is to find the contented place and to stay there. I'm going to try, and that's all I can do.
posted by Sue B at 1:54 PM
2 Comments:
Chin up, Sue! I've been experiencing depression too--that's why I've made the 5-days-at-the-gym-a-week promise. (again I say, UGH!) Unfortunately I did indulge in a bit of "retail therapy" today, but that can be as little as picking up a pretty new lip gloss in a fabulous spring color (sounds silly, but it really perked me up!). While the weather may be the least, I know it's not helping much here, either. Try to get sun & exercise as much as you can!
Thanks, Diane, and thanks to the other poster who said, "i've read that persistence is the key to success. don't give up." I appreciate it. Another rejection is moments away (seriously). The only thing I feel okay about is that I sent them earlier versions of my current plays, so maybe later versions would have been accepted. :) Perhaps I am deluding myself, but in the meantime I am sending to places I feel I have a shot at. Next week, I resume writing. I just have to keep trying, I guess. And yes, sun and exercise (tonight's yoga class was tough but great) are *key*. Thanks for the good wishes, guys. Keep 'em coming! :)
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